refuelingforlife

* Courtesy of my iphone during a hike in Hiketober

Control is so interesting to me. According to many things I read, people’s basic psychological needs include the need to feel secure, to feel good at what they do, to be loved, to feel connected to others, and to have a strong sense of control. (quoted in my happiness journal as well). And often times when we are out of control, our life is spinning and we lose ourselves. Yet, if we control everything, often your life spins as well. Control can destroy things too.  It is a very fine line.

The newness of something or the unexpected is often what renews us, excites us, and opens our hearts and minds. Yet in order to have those unexpected moments you have to let go of control. You can’t be a perfectionist or you miss the unexpected non-perfect joys.

If you try to control your partner, friend, family, or loved one, you lose them. If you let them control you, you resent them. Yet our nature is to control as much as possible so that we feel safe.

I am a planner. And so are many people I know. Not always in the traditional sense of planning our day or thinking out the next week (although I do that too). But thinking about the future. What it will be like, how we will plan for marriage, kids, what support we will need, our financial plans, etc. That is all planning and making sure you have control over next steps to a certain extent. But if you reign it in so closely it will stop you from taking leaps. And what is the fun of life without some moments where you don’t have any idea of how you will handle something but you do it anyway. Yet you can’t be irresponsible and do something you can’t afford, you don’t want once you understand the repercussions, etc. Again, a very fine line.

It all comes down to that word….balance.

What do you control in your life? Where is the balance off? What do you need to control more of? Your time? Your habits? Your actions? Where do you need to loosen control? Are you spontaneous? Are you too type A? Are you too type B?

Control. It is a tricky thing. It can give us order and satisfaction and sometimes happiness. It can also tear things apart. I have a love and hate relationship with control. I don’t think I have my balance right yet but I’m working on it.

Today I’m taking control of my time a bit more. I needed some alone time to cook, do laundry, listen to nothing (no music, no TV), read, and write. And it has completely refueled.

How are you with this word? Are you too controlling? If so, in what aspect of your life? And where do you need to regain some control?

I have found that most of my twenties and early thirties my balance was off. Balance to me means not taking anything to the extreme. For a long time, I either worked too much, worked out too much (I was always training for some race), maintained a strict diet,for a very short period drank a little too much (more in my twenties) and was an extreme friend or partner (always going above and beyond). I tried so hard in each of these that it was impossible to get it all right. And I usually ended up resentful and exhausted. I kept hitting walls. And I couldn’t figure it out. I kept saying I want more work/life balance but I didn’t know how to actually do it. I thought it meant working less. But I kept feeling drained in most areas of my life.

I now have come to realize it is about working smarter and making sure the things that give you energy outweigh the things that deplete energy. So basically make sure your tank is full enough to keep you going. And when it feels depleted…make sure you know what will refuel you. For me, it is about making sure I find time for the things that give me energy. Then everything else suddenly becomes more manageable (and I am more pleasant).

Sometimes that could be work, most of the time is playing- time with friends, family, journaling, yoga, working out, etc. But now, I don’t do races nor am I the best in the room at everything. Instead I am more relaxed and have figured out how to make it about the experience. Enjoying the moment of it and the escape. I’m still competitive at times, but I’m also laughing. And I am no longer the fastest, fittest, or most intelligent. Some of that is age that has humbled me…some is realizing it is too exhausting to be perfect. I hope that I carry this on when I become a mother and wife.

Maintaining balance is harder than you think. It is easy to tip the scales too much in one direction. Very easy. So keeping this in mind is key. Or at least recognizing the signs when it is happening (as it is impossible to be mindful 100% of the time).

So if you are dieting, have dessert every once in a while. It is all about moderation. We all know this, but we all get burned out and stressed out. And that leads to anxiety and breakdowns in relationships with your self and others. So remember….know what brings you energy and make sure you have enough of it in your life. It can be as simple as accomplishing chores, reading a book, an evening walk, etc. Do some self discovery. It took me awhile to find me energy refuelers! What are yours?

It is Monday! I challenge you as you start a new week….be a little wacky. Be goofy. Have some fun. Don’t just be normal. Do something bold. Something different. Be a rebel!! Or a fruit loop!

*photo courtesy of my iphone during a great vacation to Oregon…drive by Mount Hood

I was literally talking to a friend about their grass. And how their neighbor’s grass was always greener and how jealous they were. A typical dialogue of anyone from the midwest who spends most of the summer perfecting (or paying someone else to perfect) their lawn.

And it got me thinking. I have been very guilty lately of being a grass is always greener type person. We all do it. I’m sure some look at my life on social media and wish they could travel and have the single life I got to have this summer. And I wake up some mornings thinking it would be nice to have a family and be a stay a home mom. Or …which we all do…I look at someone on the street, or in social media, or even a couple that are friends, and want their life. Or I look at my partner, and wish they had a trait they don’t possess. but someone else I know does have. We all do it. I have no doubt he thinks the same thing at times. And then you start over thinking and second guessing your decisions. And then I ask myself, is this my gut telling me to do something different or is it just my anxiety or my grass is always greener type moment.

Don’t get me wrong, most of the time, I am very happy with my life and the choices I have made. And sometimes, deep down inside in that place that no one likes to admit….I look on social media and think I made a wrong turn/decision and I could be with that person married, or I should have taken a different job….or I should have made a different move…or gone to a different college….or etc. And we struggle. I do it. We all do. And social media makes it worse.

I had a dear friend that once was really bad with this. Everything was the grass is greener. Everything. And then he had a really tragic accident happen….and he made me have him write on a piece of paper…”when I get through this, I’ll stop focusing on the grass being greener and appreciate what I have left.” I haven’t seen or talked to him in years and I wonder if he kept his promise? We caught up quickly awhile back and he was already starting to be back at it in our dialogue. I reminded him.

I need to get better at this. So I can appreciate what is in front of me and the life I do have more. I am usually pretty good at this one. But lately, I’ve been letting the greener grass get to me. Is the grass ever greener? Does it exist? Is it your gut telling you something or is it simply anxiety or envy? Is it your instinct of fight or flight? Or is it boredom? Or day to day struggle that pushes you to daydream of another life and then yearn for it?

It is human. And yet, I (and we) need to remember that if we fertilize our own grass….it can be just as green. If we focus on what we have maybe it is the greener grass. I get sometimes that is not the case. But most of the time, it can be greener with just a little loving care and appreciation.

I got great advice recently. I was in a private session at Miraval spa in Arizona with a very wise and awesome man leading it, Wyatt Webb. He looked at me after observing me for awhile….it was an equine therapy session. And he said, “you don’t always have to re-build the engine and start over….most of the time it just needs a small tweak.”

#5 below is my hardest to quit. What is your hardest? Are you fertilizing your grass? Tweaking your engine?  Or are you so focused on something new that you miss out on the beauty of your life….a life I guarantee someone else is pining and yearning to have…..